Determination Begins

It’s almost 2am and I’m waiting on the Moon to disappear. You might think that it is the Lunar Eclipse that I’m talking about, but you would be wrong.  No, I’m referring to the moon that we all sit on, you know, what shows when we drop our pants and “moon” someone.

Why are you waiting for it to disappear?  Isn’t it covered? Aren’t you sitting on it?  All good questions my friendly reader.  It is covered and I am sitting on it, but it is just too damn big!! Just like the rest of me.  I’m afraid to step on the scales, the last time I did, I was just shy of 300 lbs.  That was three months ago, and I’ve gotten bigger since.

I’m getting close to 40, smoke way too much, eat for no other reason than it makes me feel good (sort of), and the only exercise I get is getting up to open the refrigerator.  On top of that, my triglycerides are elevated, my blood pressure is high, and I get winded going up stairs.  I have a 9 year old son who wants to go out and do stuff, and I just don’t have the energy.  I have sex maybe once a month because when I do it, all I think about is my belly getting in the way and if I’ll be able to breathe when I get done. 

So why don’t you do something about it?  I have….several times.  My first attempt was over 10 years ago when my Doctor scared the holy hell out of me.  He said loose the weight or die.  So I did.  I lost over 65 lbs. and felt great.  I successfully did the Adkins diet, took all the supplements, reduced the carbs, exercised, and dropped the weight.  Before the diet, I was at 275 lbs.  A year later, I was somewhere around 210.  Then it all came back.  Not all at once, but within the next few years I went to 230, to 240, then to 250.  I hung around 250 for about 8 years. 

A few years ago, I tried again.  This time I took Alli, I did great and lost about 30 lbs.  I looked good, had a lot of energy, sex life was great, and I even learned to watch what I ate so I wouldn't have the “Alli Accident”.  Then I put back on the weight.  Skip forward through time to now, and I’m pushing 300 if I haven’t already gone over that mark.

You said “Determination Begins”, how and why?  I’m prone to getting the holiday blues.  I laid down this afternoon to take a nap.  I laid there thinking about how much my son looks up to me.  He is so much like me in so many ways.  He’s about average height for his age, and slim, but I’ve noticed he’s starting to get a belly.  He comes home from school, and it seems that all he does is eat, watch TV, eat, play on the computer, eat, do his homework, eat, eat dinner, watch TV, eat, and go to bed.  I realized that he was doing pretty much the same thing I do.  How can I tell him, “No you can’t have another snack” when I’m stuffing potato chips down my throat.  I remembered all the times he wanted to go outside and do stuff with me, and I came up with some excuse to hide the fact that I just didn’t have the energy.  It won’t be long until he doesn’t want to play with his Dad, and I’m wasting the time I have with him now.

As I lay there, I also started thinking about my wife.  We used to be very active together.  I know she still loves me, still sees the person under the skin, but I just don’t feel like the person she sees.  I feel like I’m letting her down somehow.  In letting myself down, I’m letting everyone down.  There are many times when she’s in the mood and I’m just not.  I’ve noticed that as I gain more weight, my sex drives drops.  It is almost as if every extra pound is a noticeable decrease in libido.

I also started thinking about my parents.  My mother is a kidney transplant recipient and my father is diabetic and has prostate cancer.  He has also had heart problems and has stints in his arteries.  From a health perspective, I know that if I don’t do something, the odds are in favor of me following all too closely in their footsteps.

All of these things that I was thinking about were based on someone else, not me.  I continued to try and sleep, but my mind kept racing.  I started thinking about me.  I remembered a conversation I had with my wife a week ago where she asked me, “if the world’s view of beauty was to be well rounded, would you still want to be cut and in shape if it was looked down on and thought of as ugly?”  I thought about it and realized that yes, I would still want to be “in shape”.  I believe that self image is important.  It helps to define who we are.  It plays a major part in our mental well-being.  And for the longest time, I don’t fit the image I have for myself.  I’m a Libra and want balance.  As long as I don’t look the way I see myself in my mind’s eye, I’ll be out of balance. 

I started to dig deeper in my thought process.  I also feel failure.  Now I’m an intelligent person.  I’m very successful, and am great at solving problems.  I’m well read and actually take the time to research things of interest to me.  I KNOW that diets are not successful, and therefore, I should not feel a sense of failure because I put back on all the weight I lost and then some.  I KNOW that the only way to get into the shape that I want to be in is through hard work and actually changing my lifestyle.  I KNOW that fad diets are temporary and will only do harm in the long run.  And, I KNOW that I’m a failure because I took the easy way out.  What does that bit of knowledge reflect about me?  I’ve worked hard for everything else in my life, why wouldn’t I work hard for my health.

I gave up trying to sleep, went downstairs, fixed two huge sandwiches, a pile of chips, a soda, and watched a movie with my wife.  The whole time, I kept thinking, “this isn’t helping you”.  Five hours later, and I’m starting this blog.

Now back to your question about determination.  I am determined to become healthy Because I need to find balance in my life first, be a better role model for my son and be able to spend more time with him, and be there for my wife in all the ways that she deserves.

So why blog about it, who cares?  Okay reader, if that is your question then you don’t get it, so let me help you.  I’M NOT ALONE!!!!!  There are millions of people out there who find strength, courage, and support from reading about how another average person set a goal and went about achieving it.  It doesn’t matter what the goal is, just that someone had the determination to do it.  If my approach and story helps at least one other person, then I’ve done something good for humanity (I guess my wife is rubbing off on me, but that’s a topic for another day).

I’m not promising any of you readers that I will be consistent with my blogs, that I will post something every week and talk about my progress.  Instead, I’m promising myself.  They say (or at least someone did) that every journey begins with the first step.  This blog is mine.  If I can establish a consistent pattern of writing, then I can claim a success.  You can’t reach a goal without having a bunch of little successes.  Success is addictive.

So here’s the plan.  I write about what I’m doing, and one day, I’ll change the title of my blog to Determined Fit Guy.  First I start writing and documenting what I’m doing, my thoughts (honest thoughts so be warned).  As far as my determination to become fit, here are my goals (because every life coach out there will tell you that you cannot achieve a goal unless it has been established):

·         Learn how to eat for the RIGHT reasons

o   No eating because I’m depressed

o   No eating because I’m bored

o   No eating because I’m stressed

o   Eating because my body needs nutrients

·         Get off my ass and do something

o   Engage in Cardio programs

o   Engage in building lean muscle

o   Engage in family activities that don’t include the TV or computer

o   Get my camera out and walk

·         Learn how to eat

o   Cook more often, I love it and experts say it is a healthier way to watch what you eat

o   Find healthy alternative to the foods I love

o   Take time to enjoy the food I’m eating (all too often, I wolf it down without even noticing it.  They say eating too fast promotes over eating)

o   Eat more often and smaller quantities (it just makes sense.  Our bodies are designed to store food as fat when it thinks that we are going to starve.  If you have a steady stream of small meals, the body has no reason to store away for starvation)

·          Find ways to help control my attitude

o   Look for the positive

o   Take delight in the good things around me

o   Enjoy what I have

o   Enjoy who I’m becoming

As I work towards these goals, I’ll provide details, research, and stories about what is happening.  Sometimes it will be informative, sometimes funny, but always honest.  Not because I want to be honest with you the reader, but because I HAVE to be honest with myself.  Welcome to my journey, I’m Determined to make it a life-long one full of small and large successes.